My crappy life

'why me?' bet y'all ask this question to yourself every time huh? And sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Y i say that? I dunno if my life is starting to suck all over again and when i thought it was all going well, something just comes in and ruin the whole thing.It's depressing..really..it..is...my so called peer pressure sucks...i hate it and i wish i can just take it and wrap it up...and throw it sumwhere far...i try to stay strong for the sake of..i'm not so sure..but sometimes i think giving up is simply better. There was once a very precious person in my life. He was my best fren. He and i use to be tight. I can always count on him no matter what. We always spend time together and our relationship was tight. I miss him....I miss our crazy conversations...i miss our fun time..i miss him giving me advice even in small matters..i miss how close we use to be..until..things change...that very person is..my daddy. I miss calling him 'daddy'. I use to run to him when i had problems or i'm feeling sad..which i am now. Practically having tears rolling down my cheeks as i type this post. When i was young...and before my brother was born...everything was wonderful..as i grew and grew till i'm a teenage girl..things became worst. Feelings were hurt, hearts were broken and words just killed us. Everything was not..the same. I dunno how..and i dunno why..i started backing away from my father...i wish i didn't..i regret it very much..but now i dunno what to do. I wish i can turn back time. I really do...I dun share with him anything anymore...i dun tell him how was my ay and stuff like that anyomre..it's pretty sad. Now...my brother has replace me. I'm just a shadow in their relationship. I felt left out. They never share anything to me and i do the same. Y?? Y did this happen? where was my mistake? My daddy now scolds me more often and hurt my feelings more but to my brother...my brother was like the King. He get's everything from my father. If my brother is mad my dad will DO ANTHING to make him smile. But to me. He'll won't do tht...never. My brother comes first..me? i'm just something to put into a drawer and take out when needed. He doesn't support me anymore. He doesn't come watch me during sports. He doesn't support my effort or my church activities. I remember one time he ruin my birthday and on my confirmation day..everything was ruin.....everything is......gone..destroyed. I hate my life. I feel like i have no father. God? well sometimes i feel that God is no here for me...sometimes i think He left me because he thinks i need to be punished. i dun know how this will go on. I knw crying and weeping is useless..but i felt much better to actually see and feel how much pain i'm in. It helps me to see the situation more clearly. My so called dad...dun love me. He oni needs me to borrow money from me or when he had no other company to be with. If i can just die right now...i would. To just go into a deep sleep and get away from any breathing organism in this world. I sometimes get jealous at my own frens for having such supportive loving Father. When i tried to get close to my daddy..try to bring us back...he just start getting rude to me...making me feel bad and stupid. I got no one to turn too..I can't turn to God..no..when i do..i dun feel comfort..but just nothing.Sometimes i think God doiesn't listens to me..even if he does he doesn't do anything. I dun even knw why i bother. I hate being mad at my father..it kills me whenever we fight. I always cry when we do. It hurst me to see my dad hurt or sad..but y can't he feel the same with me? No one can help me. People just show their sympathy to me which i hate. I DUN NEED THEIR STUPID SYMPATHY! WHAT CAN SYMPATHY DO? NOTHING! IT DOESN"T FIX UR BLOODY PROBLEM NOR DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER! TO HELL WITH THOSE PEOPLE! Who gives a shit abt them. AS i grow..i'll stop my tears. i'll stop feeling sorry for my self and i'll stop feeling sad for him. I'll move him out of my life. i watch movies on how fathers love their daughter and would do anything for them...that's something i can never have till the day i die...